My name is Simon.Or
rather, it WAS Simon.I was Simon back
when life was simpler and all I had to worry about was getting enough fish in
my net and avoiding the Romans whenever possible.I love to feel the sunshine on my face and
the feel of the net in my hands.There
is nothing like the feel of the lines as I cast the net over, hearing the
lapping of the waves against the boat, and the flexing of my muscles as I
pulled in a full net of fish.But all
those things have changed.
When the man walked by my boat and asked me to follow him, I
did.I just walked away from my boat and
began to listen to him speak.What was
it that made me go?Was it the look in
his eyes, promising me things I could not yet understand?Was it the confidence in his voice, as if he
truly believed that just by saying “Follow me” that I would?There was nothing special about his physique,
nothing commanding immediate respect.Who was this stranger?Looking
back, I can see how my friends must have thought me mad to leave my life behind
and go wandering around with a complete stranger.They tried to contact me a few times, but
then they gave up and left me alone.I’m
sure some of them worry about me, especially after today - this horrible,
frightening day.
Meeting Jesus that day was a turning point in my otherwise
normal life.I have learned so much
about him!I know that he is divine,
that he is my Lord!And that is why I
feel like such a worm, having betrayed him.I love him as I love a brother, and I love him as I love my God, and yet
I could not live up to my own declarations.I have always had the habit of speaking before fully thinking through my
words; my emotions have always flown from my lips before I fully engaged my
brain!When Jesus said that he must wash
my feet if I were to share in my inheritance, I jumped up and said “Then wash
my head and hands as well!”I could
imagine Jesus drenching me with a bucket of water, as if being fully wet would
guarantee a place at his side in eternity!I saw the amusement in his eyes and the snickers of my friends at the
table, but at that moment I was willing to do anything for Jesus!And yet, today I fell so short of my love…
The end began last night.Jesus had dinner with us, and as we reclined he blessed the bread and
wine and shared it with us.He said some
very confusing things, which I wanted to ask him about later, but later never
came. And he told me that I would betray
him!Impossible!The idea was unfathomable to me.I could not betray him!
He wanted to pray in
a garden and asked us to go with him.He
prayed a long time!Our dinner and the
late hour overcame us, and we fell asleep as he prayed.I will never forget the reproach in his eyes
when he came to wake us up.He seemed so
sad, so preoccupied.Strangely, He
seemed bloodied, but there was no one in the garden with him.Was my falling asleep part of the betrayal he
foretold?I wanted to take his face in
my hands and make him tell me what was bothering him, but I never got the
chance.So many things I should have done,
and now the time for them is past!
Judas arrived with some other men.We had been speculating as to why he left
dinner.Jesus seemed to know, but we
were not privy to his errand and assumed that he was doing something for
Jesus.Judas!I spit on that name!He kissed Jesus on the cheek and then the
strange men grabbed Jesus and took him away!I called out to him and tried to follow, but rough arms held me and beat
me and I was unable to help him.Was
this the betrayal Jesus foretold?I
couldn’t just leave him, so I followed my master as he was taken away.He was taken to the high priest’s house.I knew that the priest did not like Jesus –
or any of his followers - so I drew my cloak tightly around my shoulders,
quieted my nervous stomach, and moved into the crowd that was gathering
nearby.I tried to overhear some news,
some snippet of information that might tell me what was happening, and slowly
edged closer to the knot of men, straining to hear what I needed to hear.I was scared of being caught and exposed,
especially before I could help my master escape, and I could feel my face
betraying my fear.
“He’s one of them!” I heard a female voice say.No!I
could not be exposed yet!I had not been
able to help Jesus yet!“No, I do not
know him!” I said.I turned my head away
from the fire and tried to look small and insignificant.The woman looked at me again and then,
tossing her head, she walked away.A few
moments later, I heard the accusation again.“No!I do not know the man!” I
said.Please, Jesus, come walking out of
the door so we can leave and I can continue to learn from you!Still my wildly beating heart with your
presence!The man who accused me left,
muttering to himself.I was gripping my
roughly woven cloak so hard that I could feel the individual threads.I stared at the
ground, studying the small rocks at my feet.I was afraid to raise my head.Jesus had not come out yet – what were they doing to him?What would they do to me, if I were caught as
well?Could I leave safely without
drawing attention?I began to slowly
edge away from the crowd in a slow-motion attempt to escape the crowd, when I
heard for the third time “He’s a Galilean!He’s a follower of this Jesus!”“NO!”
I said loudly, “I do not know him!You
are wrong!”As I finished my words, I
heard a cock crow somewhere nearby, and realized this was not the first time
the cock had called out.I remembered
Jesus’ words, that I would betray him three times before the cock crowed twice.At this, I sank to the ground and buried my
head in my hands.My tears ran down my
cheeks like small rivers.I had betrayed
my Lord, just as he had said.I was
weak, so very, very weak, and so unworthy.I left the area to be alone.
The next day the rest of the disciples and I were in the
prelate’s courtyard.I witnessed the
spectacle of my master, bloodied and staggering as if half-dead.I wanted to go to him, but my fear held me in
place.I realized that events were
beyond my control.All I could do was to
try to catch Jesus’ eye, to try to let him know that he wasn’t alone in his
agony.It was hard to see where he was
looking, as the blood was dripping down over his face, obscuring his
vision.That crown!I wanted to smash it into the faces of the
guards who were laughing at my Lord. How
dare they!I sought Jesus’ face through
the constantly shifting crowd, frantically trying to communicate with him, but
he was alone.He had gone into some
place inside, had committed himself to the process before him.He warned us this would happen, but I did not
want to hear his words.I could not
believe that my Lord would be subject to such punishment.Why did I not listen when I had the time?
I followed Mary and the others to the crucifixion site.I watched as each nail was pounded into his
hands, and I felt each nail as if it were mine.I wanted to run forward, take those hammers, and pay back his torturers
with the same treatment!I wanted to cry
out against the injustice, to mingle my cries with others, but all I could
manage was wrenching sobs.We disciples
clung to each other, holding Mary and each other, not believing the sight
before us.Jesus raised on a cross, with
blood and dirt and raw wounds covering his body!His arms were stretched out, body hanging
forward, legs twisted.I had memories of
those arms outstretched to others, with a smile on his face.Now, his face was covered in blood and
grimacing with the pain.Would that I
would be hanging on the cross instead of him! The darkness gathering overhead
mirrored the darkness I felt. My heart
was showing on my face, and Jesus happened to look over and see me.For a moment, we stared into each other’s
eyes and shared each other’s pain.Then
he was gone again, into that private place within him. I continued in my anguish, and our vigil
continued.
Suddenly, he cried out, and it took me a moment to place his
words.He had said, “My God, my God, why
have you abandoned me?”Knowing who he
was, this surprised me.He, of all
people, should know that God would not abandon him!What was he doing, quoting scripture from the
cross?Then I remembered the psalm, the
scripture with those words, and my heart was both glad and broken as I
remembered what was in those words. I
looked around and saw that I was not the only one who had recognized the words,
and the looks on the faces nearby revealed that Jesus was still reaching out to
people, even as his hours on this earth were coming to a close.
I don’t remember much of the next few hours.I remember the endless tears on my cheeks,
until I ran out of tears and my sadness retreated to a small knot within my
heart.I looked at the other disciples,
and they were like lost sheep without a shepherd.Jesus told me that I was a rock. I do not feel like a rock, nor do I feel rock-like in any way. What did he mean?I felt there pieces
of a puzzle missing; surely Jesus would not leave me clueless as to how I would
complete his wishes?I also felt lost
and alone, and I looked again towards the cross, and again I found Jesus gazing uponme.I could not discern the
message in his eyes.His strength failed
him again, and I watched a shudder pass through his body and his eyes
close.John took Mary to the feet of
Jesus, and he awakened and said a few words.Mary’s head dropped and John put his arms around her and brought her
back to us.I held onto James and John
and Mary, and we prayed together.Suddenly Jesus cried out again and his eyes closed for the last
time.Mary, shrieking, ran to his feet
and clung to his feet and legs, the blood running down her hands and arms.The ground seemed to shake and even the Roman
guards stopped taunting him.
Time continued to march on, and patterns must be
maintained.Passover was almost upon us,
and we could not leave Jesus where he was during the holy day.We found a tomb for him, but could not
properly prepare him.Mary kept saying
over and over how wrong this was, and that she would come back and give him the
respect he deserved.Her grief was
overwhelming us, even as our own grief was swallowing our souls.We worried for her sanity, and had to drag
her away from the tomb and remove her son’s blood from her clothes and allow
her to bathe.Being out in public was
not something that was safe at this time.I made sure that everyone got inside for the Passover, even as my heart
was in the tomb with my Lord.
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